Adolescence, Part 1
For the last three weeks I have been writing about the phases of childhood. Dr. Montessori proposed that there are four major phases of childhood (she called them the Planes of Development) from birth until 24 years of age. Dr. Montessori said that children are creating their person the first six years, elaborating on the mind and personality from years six to 12, then creating their social identity from 12 to 18 years, and elaborating on that from 18 to 24. She uses the language of creation verses elaboration to distinguish between the upheaval of the first six years and the relative calm of the next six; the upheaval of the adolescent phase, and the relative calm of the last phase.
Adolescence is a phase that perplexes us. We don’t always feel that we know our child; sometimes they act like they don’t remember us (their family, their roots). There’s drama, withdrawal, mood swings, and frustration from a child who was likely calm and enjoyable a year or two before. Dr. Montessori (and many other developmentalists) argue that it’s not a whole lot different than the turmoil of the first six years. The child is growing and changing tremendously, so there are lots of hormones (the chemicals that produce change in the body). She is creating herself in some way, which requires a separation/distancing of sorts from you. Her highs are very high, and her lows are very low (you will never be as upset as you were at two or 13 again, but you may also never feel quite the same thrills as you did at those ages either). Her tantrums can be similar, but she is much more articulate, and she knows you well enough by now to lash out with sophistication–right where it hurts.
But they are still kids and they need you after the drama as badly as your three-year-old did. They are trying on various identities, figuring out who they are, but they need you to remind them who they are. They are pushing the boundaries to test their strengths, but they still need those boundaries. The tricky part is that the six-year-old emerged ready to dress himself and make his lunch, but the adolescent will emerge ready to have a job, live on his own, manage relationships and school, etc., which often scares us. The stronger his core sense of identity is going into adulthood, the better set he will be for the stresses and demands of relationships–both intimate and professional.
So the tumult is all worth it, if it creates the adult that he will become. YOU have to be the calm in the storm, where he finds rest and remembers who he is.