Category: Parenting

How do you teach character?  My answer is always through practice, practice, practice.  “By the time children are 4 years old, they often know certain values–that stealing is wrong, for example. Because kids tend to know values, they often feel patronized by lectures about values or just learn to parrot back what adults want to hear.” (Richard Weissbourd). We practice character education through our behavior, our expectations, and our discussions.

Every adult at the school aims to behave with the characteristics we are trying to impart to the children.  We talk to the students about our behavior transparently, we allow the kids to hold us accountable, and we take responsibility when we fail.  Kids have a keen eye for sincerity, so the character of the faculty and staff cannot be faked–it has to come from our hearts.  When it is genuine, it will color and shape the entire organization, and I believe we all feel the positive effects of the collective character within the organization.

We also expect the students to behave with character.  Holding our expectations high — whether that is through asking a 3 year old to put away his work or asking a high schooler to help a parent carry boxes into the school — creates a status quo of kindness and respect.  The stronger the parent partnership, the more continuity the students will see between the standards at home and the standards at school, and the stronger the students’ clarity will be about how to be a person of character.

Lastly, discussions are essential because morality and ethics are rarely black and white. There are trade-offs, ambiguities, and conundrums.  The more we work through these with our students, the more mature their moral logic becomes.  The more time we give to discussions and practice, the more we solidify our identity as people of character.

This article is a short summary of a great book, The Parents We Mean to Be by Richard Weissbourd, and addresses the type of character education I’m describing if you’re interested in reading more.

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions.  I’m too skeptical of the cycle they often instigate: inspiration, distraction, failure, and then maybe guilt for the conscientious people. Change is much harder for most of us than a few goals at the beginning of the year, and most of us are too busy with everything from last year to sustain focus on what we want to change.

That said, I do believe change is possible, and I’m going to take advantage of the cultural traditions to promote year-long reflection.  Here are two inspiring parenting blogs that took two approaches to New Year’s resolutions:

• The first (first printed a while ago, but going viral with the new year) summarizes top 10 parenting problems in today’s culture.  None of us are guilty of all of them, but we are all guilty of some of them.  As our children get older, they stare us down more intensely, and they are worth reflection, because as she says in the blog, “Early intervention is key because it can change the trajectory for the child’s life.”
• The second blog tackles our self-criticism.  Many of you are going through difficult times and you need to devote some time to taking care of yourselves so that you are not utterly destroyed.  This blog is aimed at moms, but the principles are universal.

Whether you want to confront new challenges or simply find a corner of peace, I hope that 2015 can be a year full of reflection, because I believe reflection is the beginning of true change for all of us.

Being a decent parent involves three basics — love, physical needs and discipline. But what does it take to be a great parent?

1.  Your unconditional love should be an absolute given. The effectiveness of every parenting choice is predicated onthis fact.  Remind them of it often.  “You can’t do anything to make me love you more. You can’t do anything to make me love you less.  I love you for you.”  Then try to really love them for who they are — even if they’re very different from you or a little too much like you!

2. Let them face disappointments.  It is really tempting and we can often feel pressured to “fix” things for our kids, but clearing away their disappointments teaches them that we don’t believe in them; that we don’t think they can handle life’s difficulties.  When children face their disappointments (even unfair ones), they develop perseverance, courage and the confidence to know they can get through hard times.

3. Be sure your child has chores to do every day.  Chores should increase in responsibility as they get older, paced so they are truly ready to live on their own by the end of the teen years.  A 3-year-old can help wash dishes, an 11-year-old can do their own laundry, and a 14-year-old can fix dinner for the whole family.  These are necessary even if you are a stay-at-home mom; they won’t have your services forever and your house is a community where everyone should pitch in!  Meaningful routine chores teach responsibility, ownership, practical life skills, confidence (they can do more than they thought), and chase away entitlement.

4. Discipline with logical, proportionate consequences. Talk less, act more. Try to avoid yelling and shaming, and let the consequences do the work for you. Arguing in the car?  Put them in a “talking time out.” Throwing a fit about doing their chores?  Give them another chore.  Slam the door to his room? Take the door off the hinges. Be creative! Good consequences will be inconvenient for you at times, but the results will be well worth it.

5. Remind yourself and your children the difference between a right and a privilege in your home.  They have the right to safety, shelter, food and school.  Video games, cell phones, TV, playtime, and name brand clothesare privileges, and you should know how and when you think they should have them and how they can lose them.  What guidelines do you want to teach them about handling those privileges with integrity?

6. Some decisions are yours, some should be theirs, and some should be made together.  Decide which are which and discuss it with them.

7.  Your kids need your hugs and your support even when they tell you they don’t.  As children get older, go through various dramas and try on different identities, as is inevitable, rise above the hurt of their apparent rejection. Continue to show affection, go to their games and performances, and tell them you love them.  When they lash out at you over frustrations in their life, it means they feel safe in your love.  They’ll work through it.

8.  Meet them on their ground and make their interests yours.  Read the books they love (find out why teens loved “The Hunger Games” so much).  Play the videos games they like with them (how does Minecraft work, anyway?).  We do this pretty naturally when they’re young, but it takes a more conscious effort as they approach adolescence and beyond.

9. Don’t forget to pass on your values, opinions, and wisdom through life’s everyday situations.  Use events on the news (a controversial political vote, a zoning issue that affects your family), circumstances that friends and family experience (a divorce, addictions, a death), and situations that come up on TV shows or in movies (the glamorization of sex, violence, or sassy kids) to discuss topics that may be awkward or difficult, but that your children need to process.  If you pass up these opportunities, you are handing the honor of influence off to your child’s peers, Hollywood, or the culture at large.

10. Remember that there is no way to be the perfect parent, but a million ways to be a great one.

So how do you keep your child’s brain stimulated during the summer “drought”?

You can do a few, big, obviously educational outings here and there, like the Science Center, Botanical Garden, Zoo (stop and read the facts about the animals or watch a show where they teach), any museum, The Magic House, Museum of Transport, etc.  They’re easy to go to, but you do have to engage while you’re there or they become all about the snacks and the gift shop. Before you known it, your child will be whining that they’re hot and bored.

In between these special “field trips,” you can do smaller learning around the house.  Try a new recipe together from a new country, read a book together, try to build a potato launcher, whatever you are interested in.

The more “hooks” they have from their first-hand experiences, the more they will retain the thousands of little tidbits that come up in school.  They’ll know what tumeric is when they’re studying ancient Egypt or what “projectile” means from your summer fun.

Join a summer reading program (at the local library, Barnes and Noble, the fire station).   I’m not a big fan of extrinsic rewards(tangible rewards that don’t come from inside us) but these book clubs are cultural traditions and as long as it doesn’t morph into a bribery addiction between your child and you (any time s/he needs to do something, you have to figure out a reward), these clubs won’t hurt.

Next, does your child like screen time?  Let them play math operation games, read on your Kindle, try Type to Learn, or whatever rote skill practice you can find to their hearts’ desire.  These games will build skills and they’re just not as addictive as real video games.

Lastly, let them get good and bored.  The creativity within them will only emerge in the absence of flashing lights and beeping games.  Their boredom is the fertile ground that grows story writing, skits with siblings, videos with neighbors, musical instrument practice, and made-up games – in short,  brilliance.

These are all proactive, positive actions you can take to limit May’s erosion.  A few defensive tactics will help their intelligent retention too:

1)      Severely limit their screen time. (Hint: Some days should have no video games, movies, or TV).

2)      Resist the temptation to be their entertainment director. They need to learn to entertain themselves.

3)      Severely limit their screen time, Wait, did I say that already? Screen time is your child’s biggest enemy.  More on that another day.  

Your child needs experiences and time to process more than they need tutoring or schedules or quizzing.  Summer drought can turn into the summer rain forest, and your child might actually return to school excited to learn.