Adolescence, Part 2
As I mentioned previously, Dr. Montessori observed that one goal of adolescence is social independence (physical and mental independence come during the first two years). Jean Piaget wrote about the process of growing out of egocentrism (the childhood cognitive state of not seeing multiple perspectives). The awakening from egocentrism happens in several stages, but the 12 to 18 year old is discovering and learning to live with self consciousness–being conscious of his existence.
If you imagine a child dancing around happily in a field without much worry or pressure as a metaphor for the first 12 years of childhood (the eight year old rarely questions the significance of their piano or soccer skills in the universe, or the way mom/dad dresses as a representation of their identity), self consciousness is something that washes over a young adolescent as if a curtain has dropped and he realizes he is not alone in that field… and never was. Instead, he was on a stage. At first, adolescents are mortified and embarrassed that people were noticing them and judging them without their knowledge. They have to do an inventory about every possible shame to decide how to file it all away and to gauge how embarrassed they should be. Every detail matters. As they process their new situation, they have two choices: to hide or to perform. Both choices have the same disadvantages; they grow exhausted and lonely. We were not made for a life on a social stage.
As kids head into the latter half of adolescence, they need to transition from the “stage” into a community. They will gradually find a balance between feeling like everyone is looking at them and knowing they are in a group who is largely going through the same thing. They need to strip off the costume and the performance, and let people accept them–or not–for who they are. Again, this is a process and everyone is on their own developmental time schedule, but this transition will largely occur by 18 years of age. As adults, we will still struggle with this now and again for sure! Some psychologists argue that this stage is currently elongated in the USA, and many of our adolescents are not reaching the final stages as quickly as previous time periods, and other cultures. The more we help them disable and invalidate the “stage,” the better our childrenwill accomplish the tasks of adolescence and be prepared for the tasks of young adulthood. As they head into the last official phase of childhood, we want them to have made peace with the idea of community, understand how a variety of relationships work, and their identity within those relationships. We want them to be as confident in their roles with others as they were tying their shoes at six or practicing their trombone at 11.